You’re Failing, Mom.

Have you talked to another mom lately? Or overheard one? In case you haven’t, everyone else is doing a much better job than you, sorry. Everyone else has much better children than you do. They are way more well-rounded, too. You’re failing, mom. And it probably started when you were pregnant, I hate to tell you.

After all,

Did you drink caffeine while you were pregnant? That probably messed with their growth and development before they ever came out. Good job.

And all that exercise you did, probbbably cut off a lot of oxygen to them. Oh, you didn’t exercise? Oh. Well. Maybe you should have. Your labor and recovery would have been a whole lot easier if you did. Not to mention, your baby’s brain function could have been a lot higher.

How was your labor, anyways? You did it naturally, right? At home? With a midwife, not a doctor!

If you couldn’t hack it at home tell me you at least chose not to have an epidural, that’s not good for you or baby. Don’t get me started on the all the studies to back me up. There’s a lot of proof out there that you could have really harmed yourselves with that drug just to make yourself a little more comfortable. The problems with a lot of babies (yours) these days is that their mom’s (you) chickened out and went to a hospital, used a doctor, and asked for a pain killer. It’s truly a shame.

Wait. What?! Hold the phone! You had a C-SECTION!? You couldn’t do it yourself? Gosh, I hope your baby will recover from the anesthesia. You know he won’t have all the immunities gained from passing through the birth canal, right? Good luck this winter. They say it’s going to be bad.

You scheduled a C-section? ——————————————— I guess they let anything fly these days.

Well, as long as when he came out you denied everything they offered and put him right on your chest. He might have attachment issues if you didn’t. He might not know love, they say. How sad for that poor baby. To never know love.

At least everyone knows that the single most important thing you can do for your baby is to breastfeed. I believe there is a study saying babies die without breast milk. Or maybe it’s that they grow up and become idiots. Either way, you breastfed, right? And you still are? Because unless you do it until they’re three it really doesn’t count. And you let them choose when and for how long they eat, right? You should never cut them off, then they will miss the hind milk and the whole experience is all for not.

She didn’t sleep in a crib when you got home, right? She will grow up to be a much better person if she shares a bed with you. But don’t get too close, you could roll over on her. You’ll need to get something to prevent that. Or maybe just stay awake so you know she is still breathing. You wouldn’t want her to suffocate because you let her sleep in the bed with you!

You know those moms that put their kids in their cribs as babies… and don’t bother to take the bumpers out… well, I just pray for those babies. Such a hazard. I knew a mom once who did take the bumpers off and her baby broke his leg because it got stuck in between the bars. Maybe that mom should have left the bumper on. But not you, you should take it off.

Please don’t give them a pacifier, either. That will give them ear infections. And buck teeth. And ruin their speech. You didn’t ruin their speech already, did you? They may never excel in school now. Gosh, I’m sorry. They will need something to suck though. Because if you don’t let them suck, they won’t be able to soothe themselves. It’s very soothing and natural for a baby to suck. But not a pacifier.

And you’ll wake them up to feed them (breastmilk) on a schedule, right? Wait, you should let them tell you when they’re hungry. Nope. Wake them up, that’s better. No, never wake a sleeping baby. Hang on, let me read my books on it again.

Just whatever you do, don’t let them cry it out. You didn’t, right? They need to be comforted; they’re just little bitty things. If you don’t comfort them now, they’ll learn that you don’t actually love them. But, I guess if you didn’t lay them on your naked chest after they were born, they already kind of know you don’t love them. You should let them cry sometimes, though. You don’t want your kid to be dependent on you, do you? Then they won’t be able to ever live on their own. They just won’t make it in this world if you don’t let them cry. They should cry and not cry all at the same time. If you’re a good mom, you can achieve this.

Now, when they started eating real food, it was organic, right? Oh my goodness, the pesticides. There’s probably not a lot of correcting you can do if you didn’t feed your baby organic, I hate to tell you. Maybe just try to start now. But really, you’ve already laid the foundation. Unfortunately, it was probably a pretty weak one. Once McDonalds enters the system I hear it never leaves. I hope your baby doesn’t have too many health issues. If he does, don’t take him to a doctor, though. They just give medicine. You don’t give your baby medicine do you?!

Are you talking to him enough? Like, really talking? If not, his communication skills will probably be on the underdeveloped side; that can cause all sorts of problems later in life. Make sure you talk to him all day long. Really sound out your words, too, so he learns the probably pronunciation. I would hate for him to not be able to pronounce his “L’s” by the time he’s in kindergarten. He’s learning to talk, from you, after all. I hope you’re doing good enough.

You are the one at home, right? I would hate for him to learn how to talk in daycare with all of those kids. There is nothing better (besides breastfeeding) you can do for your child than to stay home and raise them yourself. But don’t be home too much. You don’t want them to see that you don’t have a real identity; that you serve no real purpose. Your child needs to know that you work hard outside the home… and that you are a stay at home mom. Especially if she is a girl. Girls should not grow up thinking they have to stay at home and raise a family. Just as long as you know that you need to.

And they only play with toys made in America, right? The Chinese cannot be trusted. And you sing all the time and let them play instruments? You don’t let them have more than an hour of TV do you? They’ll go blind and brain dead all in the same day. Plenty of sensory projects are happening I hope. Stuffed animals are full of germs, lest we forget that important mistake so many parents make. And you’ve met your Pinterest homemade craft and food quota for the week – good. If not, your kids will have no imagination.

Guys, I’m just getting started. And I’ve only had a kid for two years. Have you been to a park lately? Gymnastics class? School? Moms are mean. And judgy. And rude. And condescending. And their kid will always be better than yours. They will always make better decisions than you do/did. They will always have the newest and greatest advice. Your job is to turn on the filter in your tiny, failing, mom brain not half as good as theirs that shuts out anything that doesn’t apply to your kid. The one that you grew. The one that you know and love and play with every day. Make that kid happy and I promise you will not fail.


1 Comment

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One response to “You’re Failing, Mom.

  1. Haha, funny. I’ve had a blog planned in my head about this very thing. It’s amazing to me the amount of “advice” I’ve received in the last year (+ 9 months) that I haven’t asked for. If I want your opinion…I’ll ask you for it. 🙂

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